image via midweekpost
I write this next post with hesitation. Hesitation, because I don’t want this topic to permeate every little nook and cranny of my blog…the way it has permeated every nook and cranny of my mind. It’s a topic that is always present in my conscious and subconscious.
What is this deep matter that weighs on my mind?
It must be something deep and foreboding…something of great importance…The safety of my children, perhaps? The economy? Maybe it’s about Mother Earth?
Um, no.
Please don’t think less of me, but the topic is…well, it’s my butt. To be precise, it’s the size of my butt. And thighs.
There. I said it. I am plagued by the size of my @ss.
Remember Sex Ed in highschool? If you were like me, you were horrified to learn the statistic that stated how many times a day a high school boy thinks about sex. I can’t remember the exact number, but it was something like 800 times a minute. (My numbers may be a little off.) I couldn’t comprehend how a person could think about a subject so often, and yet, still function as a human being?!
Well. Substitute “teenage boy” for “me”, and substitute “sex” for “I’m fat”, and I understand.
image via BeccaG
The truth is that I have about 15-20 pounds to lose. Being a classic pear-shape, I carry it all in my lower body. I have found ways to disguise it, but I’m not satisfied. I’m still obsessed.
I don’t want to waste my life, worrying about this. I need to either lose the weight or learn to accept myself at this weight. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be truly happy with the latter, and so I have a challenge ahead of me.
My plan is to do a once-a-week post that includes my exercise goals, weekly menu plan, and my progress. It will be a test run, so bear with me. I’d love any encouragement you can shout out.
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Update:
Last week, the lovely Shannon from The Daily Balance interviewed me. It was a very thought-provoking experience, and one that I thoroughly enjoyed. I offered to interview some readers, and four women volunteered.
One of those women, Chania Girl, has just posted her interview on her blog, My Pursuit of Happiness. Chania Girl is an American girl who dared to make a huge change. Three years ago, she up and moved to Crete because she dared to dream that there is more to life than a McMansion in suburbia. What she considers just another ordinary day, I consider an exotic, foreign experience. Her blog chronicles her daily adventures in Crete and her pursuit to live a happy, fulfilling life. It has become one of my daily reads!
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, my! Do you read our minds or what? (Well … my mind anyway :0)
I too do the battle between wanting to make changes and also coming to terms with/accepting who my physical body. A pear-shape like you, I have felt for years that I look like a string with a knot tied in the middle of it = sexy.
I say (to you as much as to me) that maybe it’s best to focus on lifestyle/eating/exercise changes that make you feel strong, healthy and energetic rather than focusing on “Do I get thin.” Do something you love so that getting fit isn’t a chore. Make your favorite healthy foods a regular part of your diet. Record how you feel. And, at the same time, keep a journal of physical affirmations: praising yourself for who you already are, and complimenting yourself on achievements attained.
Thoughts?
Good luck, girl!
I’ve been overweight my whole life and up until the last 5 years or so it was an unhealthy overweight. What has shifted in me since getting married and having babies is having a desire to be healthy rather than thin. I won’t ever be a size 2, but if I can be a size 14 I will look thin for my height and bone structure.
The best thing for me has been giving up carbs - sugars, grains, starchy veg and fruit. It is really the only thing that has worked for me. At some point, when I get down about 30 pounds, I want to reintroduce those things back in, as they have innumerable health benefits.
@ chania girl~
Yes, my friend, I DO read minds…bwa-ha-ha! j/k Thanks for the sensible advice. I have made a lot of progress in moving towards “what’s healthy versus what’s slimming.” I’m still working on affirmations, rather than beating myself up.
@ Shannon~
Thanks for your advice. As I said above to Chania Girl, I’ve come a long way in my thinking. I used to eat a lot of low calorie fake food, and who knows what was in there! Now, I rarely eat processed foods–I like to make it myself. (Thanks for stopping by!)
I think most people can relate to this post. Everyone has something they don’t like about themselves and wants to work on. My advice? The best way to improve your body image is to improve your body. Work out more and eat less. As annoying as that advice is, I’m pretty sure less intake and more exercise are the only real ways to lose weight and keep it off.
That being said, it’s important to remember that YOU are not your body. I have SUCH an incredibly hard time remembering this and I think it’s because a lot of the praise and compliments I receive relate to the way I look or dress. I have to remind myself over and over again that appearance is NOT everything. In fact, it should be a very small part of who you are. Very small.
I posted a link to your site today, letting my readers know that the interview will be coming tomorrow.
PS - Last year I lost twenty pounds (getting me down to a not-so-healthy 90 lbs.) and I definitely didn’t feel any happier with myself. I’ve gained a few pounds now and I still see areas I would like to improve. Of course, this is clearly a problem, but I don’t think it’s an uncommon one. The point I’m trying to make is — body image and how happy you are with your body comes from within. No matter what you weigh, you won’t be happy with yourself unless you WANT to be.
Just wanted to drop you a note to say how much I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. You’ve got a new reader thanks to Positively Present. She posted your link on her blog.
On another note…I agree with Positively Present about the way to lose weight. Whenever I feel my weight start to creep up I just start eating less or change what I’m eating…and I exercise. What works for me: walking on my treadmill, “Turbo Jam” video, Pilates, and some form of dancing. I’m not an exercise fan and don’t like to get bored so I mix up the type of exercises. Dancing is actually fun, and I enjoy the turbo jam because I get to throw punches to good music. Plus it’s a good way to get out any anger/frustration I might be feeling at the time. Hope this helps. Take care, A.
I’ve a recent finder of your blog and have appreciated the last couple of weeks’ worth of posts… but this if the first one to prompt me to comment.
I recently turned 40. About a year before my birthday, I took a good hard look at my body and determined where I wanted to be by my 40th birthday. It required my losing about 25 pounds and changing some pretty silly eating habits… I joined Weight Watchers and lost the weight and began a new lifestyle of really caring for myself for the first time in years… which includes a whole realm of things besides what I put in my mouth and how much exercize I get. I will say that I think self acceptance definitely comes with age - and I am more comfortable in my skin than I EVER have been. (In my whole life.) But really - a large part of that is due to just settling into myself and accepting who I am. Am I in better shape than I was in my 20’s? Yes. But I think my attitude has more to do with understanding that: #1 Nobody is as critical of my body as I am. #2 The shape I have is the shape I have. I have learned to dress it well and I’ve let go of any dream that my waist is ever going to be tiny or my butt is going to be anything but flat. #3 I’ve recognized the benefit of a HEALTHY body - the older I get the more I want to be able to continue my activities pain free into my 50’s and 60’s. Body shape and size aside - I want to be HEALTHY. Eating healthily has a side benefit - I also stay in shape much more than when I fill my days with junk food and candy.
You’ll get there. I’m confident that you will find your place in the world when it comes to your self image. Find a plan that works for you and gives you some control… feeling out of control with your eating habits and activity level wreaks havoc on self confidence.
Hugs to you. And thanks for your honesty. I LOVE honesty among women.
@ P.P.~
It’s not annoying advice–it’s the truth. It’s calories in/calories out, but it’s also good, qualitycalories in. And you’re right, I’ll never be happy at any weight if I’m not happy with who I am. Thanks!
@ LifeLessons 4 U~
I’m so glad PP sent you my way! Yay! The funny thing is that I actually like exercising–I really like free weights and circuit training. What I don’t like, is finding the time to do it. I know that that is a LAME excuse, but there it is. And now…now, I’m just going to get over myself and just go do it. ; )
@ Cathy~
Thank you so much for de-lurking and saying that. I read your comment, and found myself saying yes, yes, yes.
One, my mom is in her 60’s and I can’t remember her not being on a diet. I don’t want to be like that. I want to “fix” this now, and live regret-free NOW.
Secondly, my mom has lots of back problems. I don’t want to be in pain as I get older. I want to be fit and healthy and limber — free of back pain.
Thirdly, yes, my shape is my shape. I have a tiny waist and a ROUND bottom! I have a good friend who shops for jeans with special pockets that will hopefully add oomph to her flat butt…while I search high and low for jeans that de-emphasize!! As women, we will never be 100% satisfied.
I want to get to that place where you are right now. You seem like you have come to a very good place, very self-accepting. More than self-accepting…you really seem to HONOR your body.
I want to get there.
Thank YOU.
oh Kirwin. So many women can relate to this post. I applaud your willingness to share. Here is my two cents for what they are worth. First of all, take the time to exercise. ANY exercise is better than none. The benefits are too numerous to fit in this comment box. You WILL feel so much better about your body. Secondly, don’t sell your shelf short. Change is possible but realize structure will not change. I am short. I will always be short. Women’s bodies are all so different. I think we get an image in our mind that we want to look like but sometimes it is just not possible. Lastly, push yourself. I know you can. I see many women work out but, not hard enough. Our bodies are capable of much more than we push them to do. Since you have a hard time finding the time, make every minute of that time count. Hope this encourages you. You are amazing. I look forward to your weekly post now on this : )
Thanks for such a truthful and brave post! Yup, especially after gaining a lot during pregnancy, my body isn’t going to be the same for a while (if ever).
How do I not obsess: I am getting good at looking at my strong and relatively-shapely arms, and not even looking at the rest ’cause I’m doing all I can to change it, healthily.
I’ve thought a lot about this post today.
@ Denise~
(smiles) Thank you. Thank you for repeating the fact that I need to make time for myself to exercise. Please promise to keep drilling that into my head. I am worth it, I am worth it. (And your two cents are worth a lot around here!) ; )
@ Amy~
That’s a good idea to focus on the parts of my body that I like. Thankfully, there ARE parts that I like! Thanks for your support.
K ~ You are probably more aware of your @$$ than anyone else around you. We are ALL our own worst critics, but, that being said, I can honestly relate with how you want to feel good when you are naked
I think you have set up an awesome goal with your weekly menu plan and workouts. I honestly find my most successful weeks are the ones I plan out versus doing them on the fly. You can do it and I totally believe in you 110%!
K ~ You are probably more aware of your @$$ than anyone else around you. We are ALL our own worst critics, but, that being said, I can honestly relate with how you want to feel good when you are naked
I think you have set up an awesome goal with your weekly menu plan and workouts. I honestly find my most successful weeks are the ones I plan out versus doing them on the fly. You can do it and I totally believe in you 110%!
@ Danica~
I know, I know. It’s worse (and bigger) in my eyes than anyone else’s…Thanks for your neverending support!
Oddly, I'm working on a series right now that tackles this exact issue. I've managed to beat down that demon & I hope it helps others.
Now, can anyone let me know how to get over my face? It's been temperamental ever since puberty & I'd like to stop giving a shit.
I know it’s been a few days since you wrote this post, but I still wanted to comment. I used to be like this too. I’m very much a pear shape… I definitely have that ghetto bootie and I used to hate it. Accepting yourself is a great idea in general, but I have to say it didn’t work for me until I lost some weight. I always tried to be stylish and my smaller upper body made me seem smaller. I don’t think anyone ever thought I was “fat” but I did and it was really consuming me. I still have a big butt but I’m trying to make it look fit… and my husband likes it so that helps too
I think of myself more as “curvy” now than fat. 
Good luck! 
Think about your goals and how it will make you feel. Try not to obsess over how big your butt is (and btw, I bet it’s mostly in your head but nonetheless becoming more toned will help you mentally, not just physically) but what you can do to change it… and then do it!! You will always be pear shaped, but you can be one sexy pear
@ Nicole~
Thanks for the encouragement. I popped over to see you blog — it’s fantastic! (You have a new reader.) : )
@ Elina~
I could “cut and paste” most of your comment for myself. I mean that it sounds just like me…Most people would not consider me “fat” because my top half is very small (waist, bust, arms,…) You make some very good points. I will never completely lose my butt, by I can try to tame it. Thank you for taking the time to make this comment.
(I’m off to read your blog right now…)