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The following post is something I wrote in my children’s journal, in August 2005. I wrote it after I heard one too many judgements about parenting…
Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming a Mom
Since becoming a mom, there have been so many things I’ve learned outside of diapering a baby or learning to breastfeed. There have been and continue to be many things that I react differently to, hold more dear, and have stronger opinions about. What better place to record these eye-opening experiences than here.
Without a doubt, the biggest surprise has been that there are many different ways to have a baby and parent that baby. I never realized all the decisions that would have to be made even before the baby was born. Will you find out if it’s a boy or girl? Will you have an epidural? Will you breastfeed? Circumcision? Vaccinations? Co-sleeping? Cry it out?…And that’s just the beginning. As the baby turns into a toddler, there are even more, possibly more difficult decisions to be made. Tantrums–how to deal? When will he move out of the crib? Preschool-when? Potty training-when? Another baby–when?
Now being that there are so many decisions to be made, you would think that there are many different ways to do things, right? You would think that other people would realize that there are many different ways to have a baby and to parent a child, right?
That’s what I thought.
It appears that many people believe in only one way to have and parent a baby, and that way is THEIR way. Should your choices differ from theirs, you’re obviously wrong and you’re not as good a parent as they are.
I have never felt so strongly and so aggravated as I do when someone makes a closed-minded opinion on parenting. For me, it’s worse than scraping your fingernails down a chalkboard. Too many times, I have heard negativity expressed about the mother that CHOOSES not to breastfeed, who CHOOSES an epidural, who CHOOSES a c-section over a vaginal delivery.
What’s worse is when one mother admonishes another mother for making a different choice. Every woman who has gone through pregnancy, and childbirth, and parenting knows how difficult, joyful, exciting, and scary it all is. However, every woman has a very different experience than the rest.
You don’t know how difficult it was for another mother to get pregnant. You don’t know how many miscarriages she had. You don’t know how much pain she suffered before she chose to have that epidural. You don’t know why she is choosing not to breastfeed her child. You don’t know how scared she is to actually give birth. And frankly, she really doesn’t have to explain herself to you. This is HER body, HER baby, HER choice.
How dare anybody say anything bad about another mother’s choices.
If you know me well, then you know that I am a very calm, mellow person. It takes a lot to piss me off. That being said, you can tell how strongly I feel about this subject.
To those who aren’t parents (yet): Be careful of what you say–parenting is much harder than it looks. And if you say something unkind…karma has a way of finding you.
To those who are young parents now: Think about it before you say it. Is your way really the ONLY way?
To those whose kids have grown up: Please also think about it before you say it. Is your way really the only right way? And do you really remember all of it?
And to women everywhere: Can we please start supporting one another? Why must we always find power in tearing each other down?
* * * * * *
And for the record:
- I breast fed both kids — son for 17 months, daughter for 13 months.
- Heck yeah, I had the epidural!
- Both kids came out the old fashioned way.
- Yes, we vaccinated — but after a lot of research and deliberation.
- I *wore* my children a lot, but we never co-slept.
- We resorted to cry-it-out when son was 4 months old when I almost passed out from lack of rest.
- I made all my children’s baby food from scratch, despite being teased about it.
I would love to hear your opinions about this, whether you’re a parent or not. What have been your experiences with this?
This post has been linked with The Inspired Room’s Beautiful Life Series – wouldn’t life be beautiful without judging?
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I couldn’t agree more with this statement;
And to women everywhere: Can we please start supporting one another? Why must we always find power in tearing each other down?
We are often our own worst enemies. It needn’t be that way. We need to understand just how powerful we are but use that power to support each other. Actually, I find women in the blogging world to be more supportive of other women than in the offline world. Maybe it’s just because I’m part of an awesome community. Who knows, but if we could replicate that outside the net, imagine the great things that would happen as a result.
I don’t have kids (yet) but when/if I do, I’ll be doing what works for me. I don’t think I’ll take too kindly to being told how/what I “should” be doing. Good luck to anyone who tries!!
This post is brilliant and there are so many times that I wanted to scream because of this. I had a “high needs” baby with colic and who never slept. I can’t believe the number of people who felt that they should give me advice and I could feel the disapproval oozing out of them. Often, these were people who certainly made choices that wouldn’t be mine and I couldn’t believe the lack of sensitivity. When a mother is struggling to get through the day, the last thing she needs is to be criticized. I try very hard not to offer advice unless it is requested and to be compassionate about what others are going through. I probably don’t succeed but I really do try. You are so right, we, as mothers, need to support each other, not turn this into a big competition.
Actually, I find women in the blogging world to be more supportive of other women than in the offline world - Sami - this statement is so true for me too.
It is so easy to judge others and think that our way is “right”. But, what you write here Kirwin is so true. Thanks for the reminder and I love your passion too : )
This is a fabulous article, thank you so much for sharing. I couldn’t agree with you more! One of the most frustrating and hurtful things woman do, is to judge others on their parenting choices. I’ve certainly been on the other side of that. I love that you said this:
This is HER body, HER baby, HER choice.
I breastfed only 5 months with one and 2 weeks with another. Our boys put themselves on a routine and thrived that way. We didn’t co-sleep, but I still love to “wear” my almost-not-baby when we are out. Our kids both CIO and they are just fine. They watch TV. Sometimes they stay up way past their bedtime. My oldest LOVES sprite.
LOL
The list could go on, and on, and on
Although we’ve done some things that most consider a no-no, our boys are being raised in a VERY moral and loving home where they are showered with many hugs and kisses on a daily basis.
I love that you addressed this today. It was a good reminder to be open to the way others choose to do things!
Fantastic post - you have echoed so many of my thoughts in one go and so well written and to the point! When I get started on this subject I find it so easy to go off on an emotional rant because of the way people have tried to force their views on us!
We were criticized by family for how we put our little girl down to sleep, where she slept and when we decided to send her to nursery etc etc. (the list goes on!)
But you know what - she is turning out to be the most well rounded and social little individual I know so tough noogies to all the nay sayers!
Oops… see there you go.. a bit of a rant!
@ Sami~
Yeah, the “post” is directed to ALL women, not only mothers. Of course –in this instance– it came to surface through my role as a mother, but it’s summed up in that line that you quoted: And to women everywhere: Can we please start supporting one another? Why must we always find power in tearing each other down? I agree with you that us women are very powerful, indeed. But when we tear each other down, we’re giving our power away…(I could go on and on about this subject!!) LOL
@ Sarah~
I’m so glad you liked the post, too. Neither of my children had colic, and I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that is/was. As for the never-sleeping part…I was a full-fledged member of that club. As mothers –as human beings– we’re all just doing the best that we can!
@ Denise~
Finding support in the blogging world has been amazing. I agree and disagree, but that’s because I have a group of really good girlfriends. That said, I’m surprised and amazed at the friendships that have formed online with women whom I’ve never *met.* Like you and me — I think we’d get on fabulously! ; )
@ Ang~
I love how your comment almost turned into a confessional, of sorts. LOL Maybe that should be the subject of another post, a blog party in fact!!, inviting one and all to “confess.” Among many things, mine would include TV watching and allowing my daughter to chew gum when she was 2…Whatever it may be, all of us women need to stick together. ; )
Wonderful post! Thanks for being REAL!
Being that I am a Christian mother, my Christian friends can be very judgemental. It hurts and is not fair! All of my children were bottle fed because my body could not handle the first one I tried breastfeeding with. I wish I could have but I could not. I get a lot of harsh responses to that and the part of letting them cry it out. Also, another thing that really gets me is I have 2 teenagers and you should here the responses to how we are raising them and they are really good kids! My children have turned out fine! Healthy, respectful, loving and more. I love your response to Ang! That is a great idea!! If you do it, I am there!
Great post! When I got married, my boss, an older gentleman, gave me the greatest piece of advice ever. He said that when you get married and have kids, others think that is an open invitation to impart their wisdom upon you. Just let them, smile and nod, and then do what you want.
I do like the idea of a “confession” party. That way we can feel confident that we are still good parents when we realize that we are not the only ones with kids that stay up too late or love pepsi.
It is so easy to know all of the benefits of certain aspects of parenting and then to pass judgment on those who don’t practice those things.
An example: Before our first was born I knew that I would breastfeed as long as possible because of the health benefits. I couldn’t understand why anyone would choose not to breastfeed. When I saw women feeding their babies formula at an early age I passed judgment. I never verbalized it, but always thought it.
Fast forward to 6 weeks after my oldest was born. He is 1 1/2 pounds lighter than the day he was born. He is constantly hungry, I am nursing every 1 1/2 hours for at least 45 minutes a time. He is always crying, always eating, never gaining an ounce. I am hysterically scared that my baby is sick and won’t gain weight. Despite pumping constantly, herbs, beer and everything else I was told to do/take my milk supply will not increase. At 6 weeks old he is supplemented on formula. I still breastfeed until 7 months, but he gets over half of his calories from a bottle of homemade formula.
I imagine that women who saw me feed him a bottle instead of giving him the breast passed judgment just as I did, never knowing the circumstances behind it all.
I do think there are certain ways of parenting that are better than others. And I also believe that some choices are made for selfish reasons, not due to what is best for the child. There are also situations that are out of our control for which we will be judged if others do not know the circumstances.
Really good thoughts and I couldn’t agree more. Every mom is her own expert, and should follow her heart when it comes to parenting decisions.
Jamie
Fantastic post, Kirwin! Seriously, your post says it all and I couldn’t agree more. I think too often people speak without thinking or putting themselves in the other persons shoes. I absolutely agree that your job as a stay at home mom is harder than mine for sure - I’d rather work
LOL…for now…..
Such a great post on parenting! Though I’m not a parent, I can see how annoying it would be to have to deal with others judging how you raise your kids. When I’m with people who have kids, I try to remind them that they are your kids and you should raise them the way you want to and not worry about what other people think. Obviously that’s a lot easier for me to say since I’m not the one being criticized, but I do believe it’s important to stick to your beliefs while listening and giving consideration to the advice of others.
I have pretty strong opinions on child-bearing and rearing and have worked hard to educate myself as much as possible on the subject - all before becoming a parent. I think it’s important to have a dialogue between women on this subject, and not an offense/defense game, which is what any type of conversation usually turns into. We shouldn’t feel like we can’t share ideas, on either side. I’d be a bit concerned if we all just kept to ourselves without interaction and gentle advice or imparting a different viewpoint. I think it’s how we grow and give ourselves the opportunity to try new things.
This can all be done without judgement or criticism; both parties need to have an open mind and get off of the “I know better” and “I’m not listening” soapboxes.
I second the women supporting eachother, wholeheartedly.
Veronica
http://www.drrussbuss.com
I love these reminders-it is so important that we support each other, no matter what we decide about our kids.
I made my own baby food, escpecially for number 1, and was teased endlessly about our limits on sugar and processed food.
I was ridiculed when we were pregant with number 2 because number 1 was so young, and I was judged and criticized about expecting our third when her older sister wasn’t even one yet (for the record that was a shocker!).
We’ve been through the cry it out and schedule thing, and temper tantrums in public and are now entering the home school world-which we’ve found is coming with it’s own judgements. All that to say, that yes, there is no one right way to parent. It’s not one size fits all, not even for your own kids. The most important thing is to support and defend each other, because parents are doing the hardest thing in the world: raising children to be kind and thoughtful and independent, able to contribute to society and make it a better place. That’s what matters.
Well spoken, all. I just want to chime in and say I’m not the mom I thought I’d be. That is to say, all my insecurities and shortcomings did not magically disappear with the recent birth of my son (I really, truly, envisioned this happening). Rather, they multiplied and are magnified.
So for me, sometimes for all the support and commiseration moms groups, play groups, etc. provide, the mirroring back or transferring of shortcomings is almost too much to bear. And I’m sure I’m a part of it, too.
What I’ve learned so far: 1) Do what works for you and your family *at that moment in time* and 2) Eradicate smugness, it’s ugly and will bite back.
LOL it DID turn into that didn’t it?
You bring out the best in me! 
I just felt so strongly about your article, I loved it.
@ chele~
I would have been heartbroken if I wasn’t able to breastfeed. However, that was a totally personal decision. I have a good friend who simply didn’t want to bf, and I never even thought to judge her decision.
@ marci~
I agree with your bosses’ advice. However, I get aggravated when it’s the same person saying stupid things — that’s when my passive-aggresive claws come out.
@ Shannon~
re: breastfeeding…see my comment to chele, above. I agree that if a situation is out of control, it is hard not to judge. For example, if any child is being hurt, I would have a real problem with that.
@ steady mom~
Thanks for visiting — love your blog! Yes, every mom is an expert of her own, or at least she sure is *trying* to be. LOL — Once you’re a mom, you quickly realize how little *expertise* there is in this “profession.”
@ Danica~
Thanks; however, I think you’re in the minority. I’m pretty sure I know of a few “child-free” people who think that I have it made, being a stay at home mom…
@ PP~
It’s good that you know this now. It will just prepare you better for when you have a few of your own!! : )
@ veronica~
While I agree that a discussion would be beneficial, I’m not sure how successful it would be…this is such an emotional subject. I like sharing ideas with others as well as receiving feedback, but only if I ask for it. I have to be honest — if I didn’t ask for an opinion, then I’m not really going to be that open. (Sorry…a certain *someone* comes to mind while I type this.)
@ Gina~
I was the only one of my friends who made my own baby food, and yes I was teased about it. As for homeschooling, I can see how that would come with all kinds of judgements…good luck to you. ; )
@ Amy~
I’ve heard that from other moms, too — that instead of being relieved, their fears were magnified. I love your “eradicate smugness” line. I always say that karma is female, because she’s a b!tch — she will find you.
@ Ang~
It looks like a few people who enjoy a confessional blog party!! LOL
@
Amen! I wrote something very similiar about nine months ago! The worst is when the judging comes from within the family! Like others have said I’m sure I’m part of the problem at times, but I honestly try VERY hard not to be which I hope is a step in the right direction.
Oh Kirwan, I hear you! Co-incidently, my post today was on a similar theme. I have six children and still don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I’m hardly an expert on my own children - let alone anyone elses! I’ve breastfed and not breastfed, I’ve had epidurals and natural deliveries, I’ve control-cried and co-slept, gone organic, home made food some days and then bought a week’s supply of store bought. See? I find the more children you raise, the less theories you embrace. Great post! Meredith xo.
Wonderful post… I know I’m behind to comment as I’ve just found your blog!!
My husband I and raise our children very differently than many of our peers, but always try to live in with the philosophy that all of our children are going to turn out fine and we all need to do what works for our families and households…. sometimes clashes occur when our children get together, but we just address as needed and our priority is to respect others’ parenting styles…
They really are all going to turn out just fine….. I’m so with you on supporting each other….